The Name Game, and Sports-Nerdery...

Part of the fun about the slow sports time of August, is seeing how those who cover sports for a living, justify their columns and broadcasts.  And in my opinion the fantastic NBA writer Zach Lowe, over at Grantland on Figueroa, hit a homerun this past week, with The Definitive Guide to NBA Team Names Part 1 and Part 2.  C'mon take a look.  It's fun!  (Or just scroll down and look at the Underdog's list... because ours is better.  Sorry Zach ;)  It’s not that these installments were examples of his consistently excellent observations on basketball, or that I even agreed that much with his conclusions.  But it's just fun, and one of the reasons why we enjoy talking about this stuff.  

Finally, someone had the temerity to call out some of these franchises.  Many of which, for mostly inexplicable reasons, just chose terrible nicknames for their basketball teams.  I’ve been dying for some accountability on this topic for years.  And after Mr Grantland himself Bill Simmons taped a podcast with Lowe about this ever-important sports-nerd topic, it got me even more fired up.  Because I’ve had these thoughts for a long time, I found myself almost talking back to these guys, while listening on the treadmill, as if we’re actually friends having a conversation.  Okay, so clearly I have some issues, but that doesn’t change this fact.  The NBA has really let us down in the team name department, and for those of us who care about this stuff, it’s about time we talked about it. 

Before we show our own list of best and worst nicknames in the league, I want to first reply to Zach and Bill about some of their comments this past week.  So if you listened to it, maybe you can chime in with your ideas as well.  If you didn't listen to it, or don't care, just scroll down to the list and then send me your hate mail Laker-fans!    

This is actually the Raptors Logo.  No kidding

First, the Toronto Raptors:  These two intellectual giants missed one major point, when wondering why there are so few bird nicknames in the NBA.  They mentioned that the newly re-branded New Orleans Pelicans will be the second bird nickname after the Atlanta Hawks, but they are wrong on this point.  The Pelicans (which is a great nick-name by the way) are actually the third bird nickname in the league, it’s just that the Toronto Raptors have mis-marketed their team name for the past twenty years.  Everyone assumes (because of their ridiculous logo choices) that the team name refers to The CGI villains in Jurassic Park, a modified take on actual creatures that once existed named Velociraptors.   But the word “Raptor” means, “bird of prey.” An Eagle, a Hawk, a Vulture, a Condor; they are all Raptors.  They even have their own section at the Safari Park in San Diego, if you don’t believe me.   The sign says “Raptors” for crying out loud! They’re alive and well!  Just change the logo from that stupid dinosaur with sneakers on, and give the team a complete make-over.  And even though it would probably only mildly improve their place on this list, it’s an extreme improvement. 

LA Clippers = YEARS of misery

Then the Clippers: speaking of bird names, next up in their discussion was the fact that the Los Angeles Clippers really should have changed their name long ago.  Bill proposed losing “LA” from the name, to separate themselves somewhat from the Lakers enormous and popular shadow, and claiming “Hollywood” instead, as the Hollywood Knights or the Hollywood Stars.  I like this idea but I know that the marketing guys would never go for it, because Hollywood has too many we’re-better-than-you perceptions tied to it.  Even though I live there and love the area, even just mentioning it, can turn off people in the hinterland.  So how else do the Clippers completely rebrand their franchise and diminish their absolutely miserable history, and get rid of the LA name while keeping all of the big market advantages?  How about changing their name to the California Condors?  A conservation project over the past 20 years has successfully brought the majestic birds back from the verge of extinction.  Not a bad angle right?  The team’s identity is shifted, and it’s a feel-good story to boot. It may be a bit corny, but it can’t be worse than Clippers, and the extremely negative connotations the franchise’s ineptitude has piled up over the past 30 years.  If you think about it, this is the perfect time to change the name of the team, as they are true contenders in the West for the first time ever.  But of course nothing like this happened this summer, because, well, they are the Clippers.

Sneakers, Floor, Backboards, Nets...

And finally, the Nets: Lowe and Simmons went back and forth about the best way for the Brooklyn Nets to drop their completely uninspired nickname, attached to the franchise since the ‘70’s, and they pontificated that it might be best for them to just not have a nickname at all; to just be called Brooklyn.  Which is actually a very cool idea.  They are the only team in the league to have home jerseys that say the city name as opposed to the nickname, so they’re really halfway there already, but ultimately Simmons other podcast guest Dave Damashek quashed the idea as unworkable.  But after spending last week seeing how obsessed Barcelona is with FC Barcelona, why not have an NBA team called BC Brooklyn.  I love the idea.  Make it happen Prokhorov!  

If you looked at Lowe’s list I disagreed with quite a few of his rankings.  Nets at number 30 was solid, but the Cleveland Cavaliers at 29 made no sense to me.  It might not be the best name, but it’s far better than at least eight other names in the league.  And his rationale that “cavalier” is also a word for lazy was weak, as many words have multiple meanings.  The Cavs are fine.

The Minnesota Timberwolves at number 23 was way too high too.  Even though the team has been horrible for the past twenty-five years, basically its entire existence, the name is good, and regionally appropriate.

The Denver Nuggets at 21 might be about right, but I’ve wanted Denver to change this name for years.  It’s just a really terrible name for a basketball team, and I have it higher (worse) on my list than Zach Lowe did. 

The Washington Wizards at 17 is too low.  Even though it is technically appropriate because it is plural of a person, and ends in s, it is without a doubt one of the worst names in American sports. 

I think much more highly of the Dallas Mavericks than Mr Lowe as well as he put them at 17.  I thought that was too harsh as I’ve always considered it a pretty great name.  Totally different and regionally appropriate.  

But of course, all of those lame, singular, entity names took their rightful place in the lowest third of the list.  Indefensible nicknames like Heat, Magic, Suns, and Thunder.  None of which make any sense for a basketball team.  Jazz gets a pass from Mr Lowe, because of the improvisation nature of both art forms, and their wonderful logo design, but I don’t totally agree with him on that either.

So with no more further ado… Here’s the list that no one asked for.

The Underdogs rankings of NBA Team Nick Names.    

30.  Charlotte Bobcats

The expansion team for the state where human flight was invented could have been the Pilots, the Flyboys, the Airmen or any other cool name for Flyers.  Or anything but the lamest name in American Pro sports.  The ABA had a team called the Carolina Cougars, which wouldn’t have been that bad.  Oh but I guess the owner at the time wasn’t named Cougar Johnson; it was Bob Johnson.  Seriously, how did they decide on this name with straight faces?

29.  Orlando Magic

I don’t think it really needs to be explained.  It’s just really bad.  Even the Wizards would be an improvement, because at least Wizards are the dudes that do the magic.

28.  Phoenix Suns

In our solar system there is one sun.  Are they insinuating that the team is a group of unthinkably massive celestial infernos spanning many different galaxies?  They couldn’t have thought of something better than this?

27.  Miami Heat

Just terrible.  An invisible force that cooks things.  This is the name of your basketball team?  Although with three championships now and counting, it doesn’t sound as bad as it probably should. 

26.  Denver Nuggets

A golden nugget is worth quite a bit of money, and there is a nice historical connection to the area, but how does that relate to players on a basketball team?  Major puzzlement that they’ve never changed this name.   

BC Brooklyn.  

25.  Brooklyn Nets

I agree that this name is very bad, but what Lowe leaves out of his argument is that, to “net” is also a term used occasionally in basketball that refers to scoring.  Ripping the nets, scorching the nets… those are good things in basketball.  He does mention that when they moved to New York in the 70’s they wanted to rhyme with Mets and Jets for visibility.  But still, the fact that the team moved to high profile Brooklyn last year and didn’t sever the ties with that inanimate object that hangs below the rim, is indefensible.

24.  Washington Wizards

When the Bullets changed their name to the Wizards in 1997 it was shocking. And even though, then-owner Abe Polin’s attempt to distance his franchise from the high crime rate in DC seemed like a decent idea, it just doesn’t ring true over time.  It’s unlikely that a basketball team named after a Bullet would realistically encourage someone towards criminal activity who wasn’t going to head that way anyway, and frankly the Wizard name is just abominable. Plus the Bullets had real NBA history dating back to their Baltimore days.  The Wiz should become the Bullets again and if Orlando wants to be called the Wizards, step right up. 

23.  Los Angeles Clippers

For reasons that I mentioned earlier, just an all-round swing-and-a-miss here.  They share a building with the greatest franchise in the sport and historically they’ve been one of the worst, and the only reason they have any fans at all is because LA is filled with transplants from other cities who love basketball but can’t be Laker fans.  It made some sense during the brief time that the team was in San Diego, but it’s crazy that this name has never been changed.     

22.  Toronto Raptors

Also for reasons that I mentioned earlier, I think this name still has potential.  Raptors are killer birds, and that’s a great name for an NBA team, but the franchise has insisted on branding themselves as goofy dinosaurs with sneakers on.  It’s just insane.  Who is advising these people?  Presumably, the three people in Toronto that actually care about the NBA. 

21.  Oklahoma City Thunder

When this team moved from Seattle, and everyone was imagining what they could be called, there were so many great options.  As Lowe said, Roughriders, Renegades, Outlaws, Barons, Bison, Deputies, Sheriffs, or Marshalls were all decent choices.  I remember really wanting them to be the Desperados.  How amazing would that have been?  But no one listens to me.  The only reason Thunder seems somewhat okay now is that it rolls of the tongue okay, they’ve had successful seasons, and they finally figured out that AC/DC’s song Thunderstruck is perfect for a chant.  “THUNDER! aaah-ahhhh-ahhhhhh-ah… THUNDER!!!”

20.  Utah Jazz

I have to disagree with Lowe majorly here.  They’ve done admirably by the name and have had quite a bit of success, so I don’t blame them for sticking with it although it obviously originated in New Orleans, but it can’t be considered a great nick-name.  It’s just horribly mismatched. 

19.  Cleveland Cavaliers

Not a great name, but not terrible either.  Par for the course for these guys.

18.  Indiana Pacers

I don’t hate the name Pacers.  I like the ABA history and the connection to the Indy 500, but when I think about it, basically their team is named after the Pace car… which is the car that isn’t even in the race!  That’s your goal?  Middle of the pack?  Why were they not called the Indiana Racers? 

17.  Sacramento Kings

A fine name for a team.  Boring, and possibly sadly ironic in this case, but okay.

16.  Atlanta Hawks. 

Same thing here.  Decent name, nothing wrong with it.   

15.  Minnesota Timberwolves.

This is actually a wonderful name for a team; imaginative and appropriate, and it’s even fun to say!  I think we would think much higher of this name if the team hasn’t been in the basement for the better part of twenty-five years. 

14. Los Angeles Lakers

This is actually a great name for a basketball team, even though no one knows what it means.  Of course we all know that Minneapolis is the land-of-lakes, and that's where the franchise was founded, but still, "Laker" is not a word.  Maybe it’s because this nonsensical name has been synonymous with basketball excellence for over fifty years.  I admit, it probably should be lower on this list, but… we don’t know what a Laker is.

13. Milwaukee Bucks

I think this name is solid.  Simple.  Classic.  And their “fear the deer,” slogan is one of the coolest in sports.

12. San Antonio Spurs

Fantastic franchise.  Unbelievable success.  Good name too, but a little confusing.  A spur is basically a knife on your foot right?

11.  New Orleans Pelicans

I do like this name.  I know some people laugh at how silly it sounds, but they must not realize that pelicans are actually pretty amazing birds and fierce hunters too.  But realistically, since they haven’t played a game yet, we’ll have to wait and see how it all plays out.   

10.  Memphis Grizzlies

I like this name.  Everyone talks about how stupid it is that they didn’t change it when they moved from Vancouver.  There are no bears in Tennessee?  Are there Bears in Chicago? 

9.  Golden State Warriors

Another solid name.  Just beautiful to read and write too as they are only team in the NBA to not be named after a city or state.  Poetic really.

8.  Dallas Mavericks

Not sure why Lowe was down on the Mavs, I think this is a great name.  I’ve never heard another team with this name and it gives us the cowboy edge in a different way.  Plus it has a “v” and a “k” in it! 

7.  Philadelphia 76ers

I like the historical significance here.  Maybe a little confusing as to what the word really means, but great name. 

6.  Houston Rockets

Brilliant connection with the city, even though they originated in San Diego.  Everything about it works.   

5. Chicago Bulls

Perfect name.  Classic.  And the Jordan years alone probably should have this nick-name at number one. 

4.  Detroit Pistons

I love this name.  What could be a better name for a team from Detroit?  And they started in Fort Wayne too.  What are the chances?  Just beautiful.  The Rockets and Pistons franchises moving to their current cities was a clear example of divine intervention, as far as sports team names are concerned.     

3.  New York Knickerbockers

The Knicks haven’t had nearly as great of a history as they should have, being in New York, but the name is right on the money.

2.  Boston Celtics

I’ve never been a Celtics fan.  It doesn’t make much sense at all, and isn’t it even mispronounced?  But just like the Knicks, it works so well as a classic basketball team name.  No other name like it exists in American pro sports.  They have to go ahead of Knicks though because of their incredible success.    

1.  Portland Trail Blazers

I have to agree with Zach here.  They really nailed this name.  It works on all levels.  Perfect for the region, for the pursuit of excellence, and "Blazers" is a perfect short-hand for the team.  Bravo Portland.  You win the the big prize!

Of knowing that you're cool.  

As if you didn't know that already.

Thanks for Reading,

Underdogs out!